Okay! Okay. I was in my backyard letting my dog take a piss when all of
a sudden I look over to the left and see in the part of the padeo with an awning a tall-ass, green, big-eyed, gecko-bodied
alien! I screamed my ass off like a desperate five-year-old girl crapping and pissing my pants at the same time and then I
went out like a frickin' light!
The next thing I knew, I was floating in a tube of phosphorescent liquid naked with a bunch of tubes
going in and out of my body on a frickin' weird-ass spaceship that looked more like some alien temple made of weird metals
and decorated with eldritch imagery. Aliens were flying the space ship just by placing their hands on hand-shaped sheets of
metal and I saw a group of aliens in the distance wielding sorceric powers!
I then started struggling and spasming like a frightened eight-year-old spaz and I caused the tube
to fall over shattering it into pieces! I lied there on the cold metal floor screaming over the pain of the shattered glass
with the tubes snapping off me and whipping around like hoses. All the aliens dodged the liquid spraying out of them as one
alien dressed in a uniform more extravagant than the others marched towards me as I slipped and ka-flopped across the floor
trying to get away from him!
But then I felt an invisible hand grab me by the throat and lift me up to the alien's face. It then
opened its mouth and an ova-depositor popped out! On the tip of it was TV's Frank's head saying, "Hello! I'm TV's Frank and
I'd like to sing 'I Feel Pretty'." I screamed at the top of my lungs with terror causing the magical energy running the ship
to spark and burst therefore sending more aliens dancing frantically through the air!
The alien silenced me and drug me through many bizarre, dark halls and up weird, steep stairways until
we entered a terribly glorious chamber. In the middle there was a midget-sized alien with a fat, gagantuan brain-cranium with
tubes going in and out of it! The alien threw me before this obscene, blasphemous horror from beyond the stars as I sobbed,
"I want my mommy!!"
"SILENCE mortal!!" the Alien-Monster scowled with a midget voice, "You will hold your tongue if you
know what's good for you! For I am more terrible than Great Cthulhu of the sunken city R'leyh, more powerful than the Dark
Watcher, Lord of the Illithiddi, more fearsome than the Dark Czar of Babylon Abzul, almost as popular as Justin Timberlake .
. . . I am Yaldabraxas the Demi-One!!!!"
Yaldabraxas then leaned in as I trembled naked in my own shit, piss and mucus and sinisterly said
with taco-caked ice cream breath, "I believe that it was you who just recently won the lifetime supply of chocolate in the
WEBN 'Wonka Contest'?"
I squeaked, "Yes?"
"You shall give your prize to us or else we shall blast your planet into a fashillion sub-atomic particles!"
the evil Demi-One scowled. I snapped childishly, "NO!!"
Yaldabraxas began sniffling and tearing up as he sobbed, "And this is the thanks we get? After we
all create your miserable species, teach you the secrets of civilization and support your governments since the days of Lemuria
and Atlantis this is the thanks we get?? Shirking off the duties we assigned to you, forgetting all about us and living your
lives like a bunch of damned hooligans?!? I have never felt so offended in my entire life!!"
Yaldabraxas then began crying and bawling and we got into a bawling contest until I shouted, "Alright,
alright! You can have my stupid chocolates! But you take back that you-created-us crap first! We all know that the one and
only holy, all-knowing Mr. Bean made us!"
So they took back what they said (I knew they were lying) and I gave them my chocolate. So they got
back on their pyramid-shaped spaceship and flew away as I watched them disappear into space standing on the front lawn still
naked. I stood in awe and wonder about the millions of worlds and alternate dimensions out there that could be harboring intelligent
life as my dog pissed on my ankles. Damn bitch!
THE END?
